Sorrow
by worrywart
Summary: Not all the Witches and Wizards had a happily ever after when the war was over. Severus Snape was one such Wizard. When Hermione Granger finds him contemplating ending his life, what will she do to save him? And if she does, what influence will it have on her life? Rated M for frank discussions of torture and rape in a later chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a short story, three chapters, and an epilogue. Not one of my usual happy stories, but I want to stretch my repertoire a bit, and this is the first story of that stretch. I hope you like it.**

**JK Rowling owns the Harry Potter Universe. I do not.**

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"_Severus…"_

_The sound frightened Harry beyond anything he had experienced all evening. For the first time, Dumbledore was pleading._

_Snape said nothing, but walked forwards and pushed Malfoy roughly out of the way. The three death eaters fell back without a word. Even the werewolf seemed cowed._

_Snape gazed for a moment at Dumbledore, and there was revulsion and hatred in the harsh lines of his face._

"_Severus…please...'_

_Snape raised his wand and pointed it directly at Dumbledore. _

"_Avada Kadavra!"*****_

====SS====HG====

Severus Snape stood on the banks of the canal that lay behind his home, Spinner's End. The canal smelled like garbage and did nothing to lift his dark mood. The October sunshine reflected off the slowly moving water, giving it an oil slick appearance, although there probably was oil in the water. In this abandoned part of North Manchester, residents used the canal as a convenient place to get rid of what the dustmen wouldn't take. The water, however slow to move, was surprisingly deep, about two and a half metres or so. Severus wondered how long it would take the water to choke the life out of a weakened man.

He came here every day since his release from St. Mungo's. He would spend hours just looking at the water, thinking or not thinking, as the hours passed. He stood in the same position; shoulders slumped, hands shoved into his pockets.

The wind blew dust into his eyes, and he winced, dragging in a ragged breath of defeat. The bandage around his neck itched in the heat of the afternoon sun. Life held no more worth for him. Although he had been acquitted of killing the only man who cared in the slightest for the hooked nosed, ugly creature he had become, he was not welcomed as a hero of the war.

That was left for _Potter_, his brain spat the word out. Potter, the red headed moron, and Granger.

Granger. Hermione Granger. Miss Hermione Granger. The Princess of Gryffindor.

He had been to Diagon Alley to pick up some items a few weeks ago when he had seen her for the first time since the war. He watched her from deep within the hood of his traveling cloak as she wandered into a few shops. She had turned into quite a lovely young woman. From the snippets he read in _The Daily Prophet_, he knew she was attending Hogwarts to complete her missing final year after a rather nasty public break up with Ronald Weasley. She would lead a charmed life, he was sure; universities would trip over themselves to enroll the proclaimed 'brightest witch of the age'. Employers would fall at her feet to offer her the best of jobs. He wasn't sure if he was glad enough to admit he wouldn't be there to witness it.

Severus had hoped to teach again at Hogwarts, at least for a little while, but Hogwarts seemed to have no room on its staff for him. No matter. He was a Wizard, after all; he would manage.

But he didn't. As each week passed, the hope that he would find a job lessened, and the money he had saved over the years needed to be managed more carefully. It would do no good to sell the house; no one would live near the old defunct spinning mill.

He sighed and stood there, just staring as the afternoon sun beat down on his head. He wondered again how long it would take the water to drown a weakened man.

====SS====HG====

Severus didn't know that Miss Granger had seen him that day while in Diagon Alley. He didn't know that she had disillusioned herself and followed _him_ as he stopped in a few shops to complete his errands. She saw that he was thinner than before, and when he removed the hood of his cloak briefly in the apothecary, the bandage around his neck looked liked it hadn't been changed in a while. His lank, greasy hair was longer than ever.

Hermione walked slowly back to school thinking about what she had seen. She wondered how he got by. He was no longer at Hogwarts, and she had not heard that he was employed elsewhere. She knew many did not trust his motivation, or that his allegiance to the Light was as true as he claimed. Something in the way he carried himself made her sad.

She knew what he had been through; Harry had allowed her to see his memories after the battle. There was something sadly romantic about a man who devoted his life to a woman's memory. Who selflessly, and foolishly, gave his life to two masters who cruelly used him as puppet to further their own agendas.

What _did_ she think about Severus Snape?

When she was a sixteen-year-old girl just discovering her burgeoning sexuality, confusing raw need with a misguided sense of romanticism, he was her epitome of 'man as a sexual being'. She also knew that he was smart, witty, driven, and she fell deeply in love with what that represented. That died viciously the night he apparently killed Dumbledore. It was sparked again when she had seen the memories, but it was tempered with the experience of having participated in war, and actually having had a sexual experience (lackluster at best; she hoped it would get better). She laughed to herself; honestly, a twenty-year age gap, and his less then pleasant attitude toward her made her realize that this was a crush that must be set aside in the face of adulthood.

Once back at the castle, she approached Minerva and asked to see her in her office. The women walked along the hallways together, commenting on the restoration before arriving at the gargoyle. As they settled in Minerva's office with tea and biscuits, Minerva asked, "What did you want to talk about, Hermione? Are you having trouble with classes?"

Hermione placed her cup onto the saucer. "No, no; nothing like that. I was in Diagon Alley today doing a bit of shopping. Thank you for allowing me to go, by the way." The Headmistress nodded in acknowledgment. "I wanted to ask you what you knew about Professor Snape? How is he doing? Is he employed anywhere?"

Minerva hissed prior to responding, "Severus Snape is getting what he deserved," she said succinctly.

Hermione gasped at her headmistress, "What do you mean? He gave up so much for the-"

"He gave up nothing, Hermione, and you would do well to remember that!" the headmistress snarled in reply. "I had to sit back and watch while he ruled from this very desk." Her hand slammed down onto the surface, parchments fluttering in the air she displaced. "He handed out cruel and vicious punishments to your friends, hospitalising some of them. Some had to go to St. Mungo's for Merlin's sake! I tried to talk to him about it, and he would never answer. I begged him to tell me why he killed Albus, and he wouldn't say. It was with joy that I saw the coward flee the school!" she stopped her rant, breathing heavily.

"But, we know why now; how can you still feel that way?" Hermione asked, wide-eyed.

"Severus Snape took more from me than you will ever know. My daughter, through his actions, was killed by Death Eaters during the first war."

"How can you know that for certain? Are you sure you're thinking clearly, Minerva?"

"Although he may not have cast the spell, by virtue of the fact he was a Death Eater, he killed my daughter. I've nothing else to say on the matter."

Hermione was stunned. She could hardly believe the woman she looked up to felt this way. Minerva, who could so easily forgive the foibles of others, would not forgive this. Hermione wondered if she could continue in school knowing this.

She only came back because it was expected of her. School held no joy for her now. NEWTs? She didn't need them to get a job. Her presence at Hogwarts was simply to bring it prestige; 'a member of the Golden Trio, the Heroes of the Final Battle, goes to school here' was all her presence meant. With a sudden clarity, she made a decision.

"Headmistress, I believe I shall withdraw from Hogwarts. I don't think I can, with a clear conscience, continue my education under a leader who is not able to objectively judge each situation she comes to. I do not wish to be here only to bring the school prestige. I only came back in the first place because it was expected of me. I find I no longer want to live up to everyone's expectations. I only want to live up to my own."

"Miss Granger, please think about what you are saying. Your NEWTs will help you go onto further education."

"I receive letters everyday from Wizarding universities around the world. They all want 'the brightest witch of the age' among their walls and are willing to waive my NEWTs. No, I think I have a new path laid before me. I will pack and leave this evening. Thank you, Headmistress."

Hermione stood up, placed the cup and saucer on the desk and left the room. She felt alive again; for the first time since the end of the battle, she felt free and alive. She would pack and return home to her parents. Once she settled in, she had a certain former headmaster she needed to find.

* * *

*****excerpt from Chapter 27, The Half-Blood Prince, by J. K. Rowling

What did you think? Kindly leave a word or two and let me know. Thank you!


	2. Chapter 2

**One reviewer said that they felt Hermione was AU in this story for impulsively just dropping out of school, and that reviewer is correct. The Hermione we all know from the canon and fanon is very school oriented; eager to finish her education and move on to higher learning. I hope that a later chapter will help that reviewer and my other readers understand why the Hermione in _my_ story made such a decision.**

**Thank you all for your lovely reviews...although my story is completed, you've given me some food for thought, and I may re-work a few things. I thank you!**

**Again, I don't own this...JK Rowling does. **

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One week after her talk with Minerva and her admittedly impulsive decision, Hermione Apparated to Spinner's End. It had taken her that long to research just where in Manchester the Potions master lived. From what she remembered of the memories she had seen in the Pensieve, she knew he lived in the north of England, near old mills. His home was apparently not far from the canal once used to float freight down to London before the railway became prominent.

She knocked on the door, and as she waited for an answer, she took note of the general disrepair of the front porch and the high grass. She knocked again, but still received no answer. She knew better than attempt to bring down Severus' wards and enter the house unwelcomed; a man who was still hated by the Wizarding world in general and considered a traitor by whatever Death Eaters that had escaped Azkaban, would never leave his home unwarded.

That was where she was wrong. When she performed the Revelio spell to see just what wards were in place, she discovered there weren't any at all. This was her first clue that something was wrong. She slowly opened the door and stepped into the house.

The house was filthy, showing signs of only cursory attempts to keep things clean. The chair he sat in, the table beside it, the candlestick and candles upon it showed no dust. The only spots on the floor that not covered thickly with dust were the tracks from where he moved from chair to kitchen, to stairs, to door. The entire rest of the room showed dust covering the furniture, windows, the bookshelves—except where books had been removed—and thicker festoons of cobwebs in the corners.

Her heart sank. She knew this man. She knew that he was _obsessive _in his preparation of ingredients and potions, _obsessive _in the cleanliness of his classroom and lab at school, however lacking his hygiene. To see this level of uncleanliness was so wrong, so...not the Severus Snape she knew.

Leaving the house, she wandered into the back garden and saw a similar lack of care. The grass grew to her knees, garbage from the street caught among it. Within the grass, she noticed a track of tramped down weeds and decided to follow it.

She walked for about a half mile when she caught the smell; musty water mixed with the reek of sewer. She looked up to look for the source of water and saw the canal. At its banks, she saw him.

He stood with shoulders stooped, and his hands in his pockets. The infamous billowing robes were gone; he stood only in a black coat and trousers tucked haphazardly into his boots as though he just shoved his feet into them without a care. The wind tried, but could not lift the greasy long hair that hung down below his shoulders.

She walked closer. "Professor Snape."

"Miss Granger," he said, not looking up. "What brings you to seek out my presence?"

"I was worried about you."

"Oh please, find a new cliché," he snorted.

"It is not a cliché," she replied, indignantly. "I saw you the other day, and I wondered how you were getting on. You looked like you've been ill."

"I am ill, Miss Granger. But not ill enough for you to concern yourself with."

"I beg to differ."

"I, however, do not. Leave. I will not be one of your new projects."

"I would _never_ treat you as a project," she spluttered.

"GO!" he winced as he yelled, "I do not need anyone!"

Hermione was shocked to see blood and yellow exudate seep from the filthy bandages. "Clearly you do."

Snape glared at her and began to speak again, but she interrupted.

"Look," she said, "at least let me take you back to your house and change your bandage, it obviously hasn't been done in ages. I can make you something to eat as well. I couldn't believe you had no wards on your house!"

"My habits are none of your concern."

Both fell silent in a battle of wills, looking into the filthy canal. Snape wondered aloud,** "**I wonder how long it would take for that water to drown a man.

At that, Hermione steeled her resolve and grabbed the man around the waist, Apperating them both to the kitchen of his home. Landing off balance, they fell to the floor.

"Get off, you insolent wench. Get out of my house!" Snape roared.

Hermione, with the hard won determination she had earned in the Final Battle, whipped out her wand and cast a Petrificus Totalus on the man. She also cast a silencing charm and took his wand. She then levitated him to a chair, performing one last complicated spell.

Standing in front of him, arms crossed on her chest, she began to speak very quietly and very determinedly, "Now, you WILL listen to me you stupid, stupid man. I WILL leave in here in a moment to fetch some bandages, food, and some soap. I WILL change your bandages, and you WILL have a bath; you smell like the canal. I WILL fix you something to eat once you're done. Then, we WILL discuss just what needs to be done to make this house fit to live in. Don't even attempt a wandless spell to get out of this; you're not the only who knows a few dark spells. Damn you, Severus Snape, I went to a lot of trouble to save your sorry ass, and you will NOT throw your life away now!"

She was breathing heavily as she finished. Leaving him petrified and silenced, she Disapparated on the spot.

Severus was furious. Never, NEVER had anyone treated him with such bold callous. Not even the Dark Lord; he at least treated you just as you expected…cursed if you displeased him, tortured if he was bored. He was also confused. What did she mean, saved his sorry ass?

Twenty minutes went by before Hermione returned. She cast a quick cleaning charm on the sofa before she dropped her packages and then turned to Severus.

"Now, I will free you and you will get upstairs and take a bath. Here." She turned to retrieve the soap and shampoo she had purchased. "I will give you back your wand, but before I free you, I beg you to think; what would life be like for you if you allowed just _one_ person in it who might just be willing to be your friend." She dispelled the petrificus and silencing spells.

Snape lurched up from the chair to loom over her, hissing angrily. "I have never-"

"And now you have," she interrupted, standing as tall as her 165 cm frame would let her. "Now go! And brush your teeth, too. I nearly vomited on your shoes just then."

She could see Severus was furious. He snatched the bottles out of Hermione's hands and stomped up the stairs. He was talking to himself the whole way, and Hermione heard snatches of 'insufferable',' wench', 'how dare she', and ' grown man' until he slammed the door shut.

Picking up the remaining packages, she went to the kitchen and was shocked at the site. Open, empty tins of food lay everywhere, forks sticking out of them. Mouldy bread lay on the counter. Something smelled, and as Hermione moved into the room, she deduced it was from the sink. She daren't see what it might be.

She spied the refrigerator and opened it. The light didn't work, but there was nothing in it to highlight anyway. She placed her hand in the compartment to see if was cold enough. Finding that it was, she placed the eggs and rasher she bought for his breakfast inside and shut the door.

Using her wand, she cleaned a small area of the counter before laying the other groceries on it. She wasn't sure that the cooker would work, so she had picked up a quick take-away of Chinese food. Casting a Stasis charm the food, she picked the packet of tea out of the carryall and looked for a teakettle.

Her attempt to use the sink was rather eventful. It clanged and chugged before some brown water eventually coughed out of the tap. Turning it off quickly, she decided to cast an Aguamenti instead.

Once the tea was steeping, she opened the final package from a chemist's. It held some peroxide and clean bandages as well as some antibiotic ointment. She was not sure what potions he may have but surmised, given his condition, that he had none. She suddenly realized that the bandages he did have on would need to be soaked off. Oh dear…

Biting her lip, she climbed the stairs and timidly knocked on the bathroom door. When he didn't answer, she carefully open the door. The sound of the shower greeted her, and she stepped into the tiniest bathroom she had ever been in. _Public loos are bigger than this_, she thought. Crammed into a line were the sink, toilet, and old claw foot tub/shower, which spanned the width of the room. On the floor were Snape's clothes, and the man himself could be seen through the flimsy white shower curtain. He was just standing under the spray.

"Miss Granger." Hermione squeaked in fright. "I suggest you leave at once unless you wish to see more of me than you would like. I warn you, it's not a pretty sight."

"I um…just wanted to tell you that you'll need to soak the bandages off; don't cast a protective charm on them. I um….they are prob—"

"Although I am a bit destitute and perhaps have let a few household chores go, I have not yet lost my faculties. I assure you, the bandages are soaking off. Now LEAVE!"

She leapt to leave, but not before snatching up the pile of clothes on the floor, essentially leaving him with nothing but his towel to wear when he was done. However, there was no way she'd let him put on the filthy rags. A good burning is what they needed. She slammed the door as she left. It was only a few moments later she heard him bellow, "MISS GRANGER, WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES!"

She cast a Sonorous charm on herself and hollered back, "I've burnt them. Surely you have something cleaner in your wardrobe!"

====SS====HG====

Severus stomped down the stairs full of fury at the little know-it-all. Not only had she forced him to bathe, she had taken his clothes. The only thing left in his wardrobe was a pair of trousers and a white shirt. He was practically _naked!_

As he made his way to the kitchen, he was pulled up short by the smell emanating from it. Something beefy, as well as the scent of curry, set his stomach to grumbling. He heard a feminine giggle and then, "I can hear your stomach from here!"

Severus walked into the kitchen to find Hermione at the cooker, scrubbing the surface with a fistful of Brillo. A glance at the table revealed several take away boxes, steam emanating from the flaps. The table had been laid with crockery and cutlery for two. _Presumptuous little chit_, he thought.

"Come and sit down, Professor; I am just finishing up." Hermione turned to look at him as she spoke, setting down the scrubbing pad and moving to wash her hands.

Severus, glaring at the girl's back, wrenched a chair away from the table and sat down, fuming.

Hermione sat down and began to open the cartons. "I wasn't sure what you'd like, so I got stir fried beef and a shrimp curry. She looked into the other cartons. "There's white rice here," she said offering the carton to him, "and in this carton, there is some Egg Drop soup. Help yourself.

"I picked this up after stopping at the grocery. I bought you some eggs and some bacon as well as some bread. Before I leave tonight, I'll finish cleaning the cooker and the dishes so you can cook yourself something in the morning."

Severus could feel the girl watching him as he ate carefully and slowly, seemingly not aware that he was making satisfied sighs as he ate. He ate all of the shrimp curry and had a bowl of soup. Hermione was pleased to see a bit of colour return to his cheeks after having eaten a decent meal, although he was still quite pale.

She had attempted to get him to speak, asking him questions, but to no avail. He ate and did not speak. When he was done, he stood up and left the kitchen. Hermione could hear him climbing the stairs and a door shut. With a sigh, she took one last bite of her food and then went back to cleaning the kitchen.

When she was finished and had put the leftover Chinese food into the refrigerator, she set the table for his breakfast. She then found the coffee pot and set it up for him to use in the morning. Looking around the kitchen one final time, she put out the light and went into his sitting room. She picked up her beaded bag and turned to leave, but before she did, she went up the stairs and knocked quietly on his door. He did not answer. "Professor, I'll come back tomorrow morning to finish up some cleaning. Make you some lunch, all right?"

She got no reply and so left the house.

====SS====HG====

Severus was floating down a river. It was quiet and warm, the occasional bird singing overhead. Green fields passed his peripheral vision as he floated. Water lapped the boat, rocking it gently as it drifted. There was a woman in the little boat with him. She was curled into his arms. He drew the warm body closer to her and sighed. It seemed a perfect moment to lean over and steal a kiss.

This was what he always dreamed of…holding the love of his life in his arms, kissing her whenever he wanted. Just as he leaned over, pushing her hair out of the way, he had a brief thought that her hair seemed to have darkened as she aged. As their lips met, he woke up.

Damn.

He slowly got out of bed and pulled on a decrepit dressing gown. Barefooted, he walked down the stairs to the face the day. The site of the coffeepot on the counter reminded him that Hermione Granger had had the audacity to invade his house, force him to bathe and then fed him food. He made the coffee, but as for the bacon and eggs…too much work. He poured a cup of the magically brewed coffee and shuffled into the sitting room.

He noticed that Miss Granger hadn't performed any miracles here except for the spot she dusted last night to set her packages down. He sat in his wing-backed chair and sipped his coffee. He wondered if she would return; she had said she would. But then, plenty of people had promised Severus Snape many things over the years. Lily promised to be his friend always; Voldemort promised to bring him glory; Dumbledore promised him protection. None of it came to pass. Lily dismissed his friendship over a word; Voldemort's glory was always tinged with guilt, and Dumbledore's protection was a mere ruse for his own plans. He would not be surprised at the end of this day when Hermione Granger failed to show up.

And just what did she mean, 'I did not go to that all trouble to save your sorry ass' anyway? All he remembered of that dark May night was the great ugly snake's first strike to his neck, and then waking up in St. Mungo's with Aurors stationed inside and outside of his room. As soon as Potter had paraded his memories in front of the Wizengamot, he had been released from hospital, and he Apparated straight to his house, leaving it only for trips for food, a few potion supplies, and to ascertain his status as a professor.

If she showed up, he would demand clarification and then toss her out.

====SS====HG====

Hermione approached the door with a bravado she certainly didn't feel. In her life, she had never acted as she had done yesterday. Okay, so there were the antics she had got up to at school and that last year on the run, but she had _never_ forced her will on another person. However, this had not been just any other person. This had been her professor, her fellow Order member, her deepest secret.

She knocked on the door. After several minutes, she wondered if he had walked to the canal again, so she walked around the house and headed up the path. As she suspected, there he stood, looking cleaner, but no less morose.

"Professor."

"Miss Granger."

"Here again, I see."

"Observant as ever." After a minute or two, he sighed and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I told you yesterday I would be back to clean your house."

"So you did. I am surprised. Usually people break their promises to me."

"I am not most people, Severus." She watched him start at the use of his name, but he quickly returned to his impassive state.

They stood looking at the slowly swirling, oily water of the canal.

"I had a dream last night," he said.

"You did? What about?" Hermione asked curiously.

He snorted. "I was floating down the river in a boat. I had Lily next to me. It was pleasant. It was a nice afternoon. Does the colour of women's hair change as they get older?"

Hermione did not expect that question. "Um, yes; some woman, if they don't use Muggle dye or magical means on their hair, will experience a darkening of their hair. Why do you ask?"

"The woman in the boat. I was sure it was Lily, but her hair should have been red, and it was darker."

"Perhaps you were dreaming of her as an older Lily?"

"Hmmm," he shrugged.

"Why do you come out here?" Hermione asked.

"I don't know. The water, I think. It calms me. It makes me think."

"Do you stand here all day?"

"I have."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

They both stared at the water.

"Severus, can we go back to the house? I can fix you the bacon and eggs for your lunch, and then clean your sitting room."

Severus didn't answer. Hermione attempted to speak, but saw by his face it would be useless. She began to be impatient. Although she had cleared her obligations for the day—well, now that she had left school, she had none, really—she didn't want to be at his house late. His cryptic questions and answers were confusing her, and she never had liked not understanding anything or anyone.

Deciding to just let him stand there, she began to walk back toward the house, but stopped when she heard him sigh deeply and say, "I wonder how long the water would take to drown a weakened man?"

She stepped back toward Severus, watching as he stood with his shoulders rounded and his hands shoved into his pockets. She pulled on his arm. "It's time for lunch, Professor. Please come so I can fix you something to eat."

Severus did not respond, but allowed Hermione to guide him along back to the house.


	3. Chapter 3

**I am amazed at all the lovely reviews! **

**And my heartfelt thanks to Onecelestialbeing for posting on the SS/HG Facebook page a shout out to that fan base for my story. I have no words for my gratitude.**

**JKR owns the characters, I own this particular plot.**

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**Warning: A frank discussion of torture and rape happen in this chapter.**

The days began to fall into a pattern. Hermione would arrive each morning to make sure he had eaten breakfast, finding an empty plate, coffee mug and bits of toast crumbs lying on the table.

He never took care of anything; always leaving the butter, cream, and whatever else she left, lying about. She would patiently clear things away and tidy up the kitchen, and then began preparing something for his lunch and dinner. As those items simmered or baked, she would work on the next bit of his house that needed to be scrubbed. Once that was finished, she would check on the food, and then wander down the well-trodden path to the canal and stand with him.

She always found him the same way—stooped shouldered and hands stuffed into his pockets. He was cleaner though, and days of careful attention to his neck wound meant he no longer needed the bandages. When it was time to attend to the dressings, he would sit, ever silent, while she cleansed the wound and applied the antibiotic ointment on it. The scar stood out, painfully red upon his neck, and she attempted to nag him into brewing a potion that would lessen the scar, but so far, he gave no indication that he would.

The only time they would speak was as they stood watching the canal water lazily flow by. One day, Hermione, tired of standing, conjured a bench for the two of them. It only took a few minutes of convincing him that he need to rest before he would use it and now, whenever she found him, he was sitting, stooped shouldered and hands in pockets.

Their conversations at the canal always consisted of two short topics; what he dreamt of the night before, and his last statement before she pulled him back to the house;_ I wonder how long…_

====SS====HG====

The weather was bitterly cold now that December had taken its final hold, and still the routine never changed; well, that wasn't true. Hermione did manage to get the brooding man to wear a warm coat and scarf when he left the house. However, many times she showed up in the morning only to find it strewn across the sofa where he dropped it the night before, and she would have to walk down to the canal and coax him into it.

She was beginning to realize that things might never change with her former professor. She would cook, clean, and attempt to help him heal, but to no avail. She got nothing back from him. Meals were silent. He never thanked her, never took care of the house beyond his own bathing. How much longer could she, _should _she, continue?

She also realized that she needed to find a job; not just so that she could continue to contribute to his survival, but also to keep her sanity. Severus Snape was not a bundle of cheer, and his own dark mood was beginning to colour her own.

On a particularly cold Wednesday morning, after yet another unsuccessful job hunt, Hermione arrived later than usual at the Severus' house. The coat and scarf lay on the sofa, unused, and when she walked into the kitchen, she noted that he had not even eaten breakfast.

She was furious at him and furious at herself for becoming entangled in this losing battle. She stomped down the path toward the canal. He was standing this time instead of sitting. She stood beside him.

He spoke of that stupid dream again. She was tired of hearing about it. Lily, Lily, Lily. She had no fucking clue why Lily's hair had changed colour, she had no fucking idea why the dream always ended just as they kissed. Maybe he just needed a good hard fuck by someone to get Lily out of his system. And then the statement, the ever present statement. Well, gods dammit, today if he said it, she'd do something about it.

He sighed and said, "I wonder how long it would take the water to drown a weakened man."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Hermione Granger pushed Severus Snape into the water.

====SS====HG====

There was an ice crust over the water, and she was sure it cut his exposed skin as he crashed through it. She stood biting her lip, horrified that she had pushed him, and then burst into hysterical laughter as she watched him surface, outraged, spluttering and swearing at her.

After watching him tread water for some time, she realized that the water temperature and the air temperature really could kill him. Remorse set in, and she waved her wand and levitated him out of the canal. She plopped him onto the ground where he sat, still swearing at her with words she had never heard before, water running off his head and clothes.

"You stupid bint, what the fuck did you do that for!"

"Well, you seemed to want to know how long it would take you to die. You only asked every damn day, so I decided to push you in, and let you find out!" she screamed at him, shooting a drying and warming charm on him.

He stood up and looked at her, fuming.

"Come on," she said, "we need to get you into the house and warm you up. I imagine the water was cold."

Once inside, she forced the man upstairs to shower and change while she quickly pulled out the stew she had made yesterday to heat up. Whipping up a batch of rolls, she put them in the oven and set the table. Within a half an hour, the meal was on the table and the couple was sitting down, silence pervading the atmosphere, until…

"Is this the stew you made yesterday?"

The statement, so out of the blue, caused Hermione to jump and drop her spoon. "Yes. Why do you ask?" she asked suspiciously.

"It tastes good."

"Thank you," she spluttered.

Silence again except for the susurration of utensil against porcelain and small chewing noises.

The silence was broken when he spoke again, "What did you mean you didn't save my sorry ass to see me throw it away?"

Hermione looked at him, a bite of roll suddenly growing leaden in her mouth. She reached for her glass of water to help get it down. "What do you remember of the night of the Final Battle?"

"I remember being in the Shrieking Shack, listening to that lunatic rant on about the Elder Wand. He thought I had it. I remember feeling Nagini attack, and then I woke up in St. Mungo's. What happened in between?"

Hermione took another swallow of her water, setting the glass down thoughtfully. "Why don't we go into the sitting room; I've a feeling this may take a while. We can have coffee and the tart I made in there."

Severus stood and left the kitchen. Hermione gathered the coffee, tart, and her bravery. He would not like what he was about to hear.

As she entered the room, he said, "I was prepared to die that night, you know. I wanted to die."

"I know that now. I didn't then." She sat on the sofa and poured the coffee, handing him a cup. "Harry, Ron, and I were hidden behind some boxes, watching you and Voldemort. We could hear you speaking."

Hermione sat thoughtfully for a moment before continuing, "While on the run, I had a lot of time to think, when I wasn't panicking, of course. I began to wonder about you, your role in it all. I wondered if all we had been lead to believe, all we'd heard, all we'd read about you was true." She flicked her wand at the fireplace, the flames growing larger, sending warmth over the room. "I couldn't watch when Nagini attacked." She shuddered at the remembrance of his screams, and the snake's hiss.

"When the snake was done, you were on the floor, bleeding heavily. Harry ran to your side. You were reaching toward him, attempting to tell him something. You said 'take them' and that's when we noticed the silver tears. Harry pleaded for a container, and I found a phial in my bag. He took the memories and then you said, 'you have your mother's eyes'."

Silence loomed as they sat listening to the fire crackle.

"I don't remember any of that. I only remember waking up at St. Mungo's days later."

"Harry and Ron went to view the memories in the Pensieve, but I stayed behind. Somewhere in my soul, I knew that something about you was not what it seemed. I had some potions in my bag, so I stabilized you, and then went to join the boys. The end came rather quickly after that. Harry went to the forest to meet with Voldemort, sacrificing himself, returned an hour later and struck him down. I imagine you've read what happened in the paper."

"Yes. But that still doesn't explain why you saved my sorry ass."

"As I looked back on my years at Hogwarts, on the years you were my teacher, on what I knew of you then and what I know now, I understand your sacrifice; that you meant to die. You were not a happy man when I knew you then. But in that moment in the shack, after seeing your interaction with Harry and your final words, the only thing I could think of was that you got screwed."

She laughed and continued, "Isn't that pathetic? Of all the words in the English language I could have used to describe how you were robbed of anything happy in your life, I chose screwed!"

Hermione giggled at the inanity of it all. "So, in my hopelessly Gryffindor way of rushing in where angels dare to trod, and my overly romantic sense of love, I decided that you deserved another chance at happiness.

"I saw you that day in Diagon Alley, last October. I was so angry. I had gone to all that trouble to save your life, and you were throwing it away. I wanted _you_ of all people; not Harry, not Ron, not myself, nor anyone else, to be happy, and you were dying as you lived; lonely, friendless. I went to speak to Minerva that day to learn what you might have been doing."

"Oh, I can only imagine that conversation," he said sarcastically. "Minerva hated me. Even when I was younger and the Marauders tormented me, she always took their side even when it was obvious they were at fault. She worked very hard that last year to undermine my authority."

Hermione took a sip of her coffee before replying, "Minerva McGonagall is a bitch. An unfeeling, unforgiving bitch. I dropped out of school that afternoon; did you know that?"

Severus looked at her, stunned. "The know-it-all dropped out of school? Why would you do something so incredibly stupid? What about your NEWTs?"

"Oh please," she snorted, "both of us know I could have passed them in sixth year. I was only a trophy student for McGonagall. I was her ticket to glory for the school. I had received, and still do, letters from Wizarding universities willing to waive my NEWTs just for the prestige of having the Princess of Gryffindor walking through their halls. I was only there because it was expected of me, but it was though I was in a dream…just going from class to class, not really learning or doing. I was bereft of feeling…not really caring whether or not I completed my final year, to be honest.

"I walked out of that school feeling more alive than I had in months. And I am sorry, but you were the target of that feeling. I was not about to let you die alone. I wanted you to know that one person cared enough to make sure your 'sorry ass' lived and was willing to perhaps, be your friend."

Time ticked by as the couple sat, he in his chair, she on the sofa, slowly sipping coffee and eating the tart. Hermione stood and carried the empty plates to the kitchen and tidied up. She had intended to leave for the day, but when she returned to the sitting room, she found he had moved to the sofa and had fallen asleep. Taking the rug lying over the back, she covered him, and leaning down, pressed a kiss to his forehead. She then selected a book, sat in his chair and began to read, falling asleep not long after.

====SS====HG====

Several hours later, Hermione woke to the smell of bacon cooking. She glanced at the sofa to see that Severus had apparently woken earlier, the rug she had placed over him folded neatly and draped over the arm of the sofa. She stretched, and then got up and walked to the kitchen. Severus was at the cooker, his movements suggesting he was tending something in a pan.

"It smells good," she said.

"I woke up about a half hour ago and saw it was past dinner. I haven't slept in the afternoon in a long time."

"Sometimes our bodies force us to do what our brain doesn't want to," she smiled at him. "Can I help?"

"No. I am going to do a few eggs as well. Will scrambled be all right? I am not much of a cook, as you have gathered."

"Scrambled will be fine, and you've blown another of my theories out of the water," she laughed.

"How so?" He quirked an eyebrow at her.

"I assumed that if you could brew as well as you do, you could cook."

"After living at Hogwarts for nearly twenty-seven years with house elves cooking and cleaning, you lose some skills. This will be ready in about ten minutes."

"All right, I'll just run upstairs and tidy up," she said, running a hand through her sleep messed hair.

They sat down together on the sofa in the sitting room, facing the crackling fire. After clearing their plates and then pushing them aside to enjoy their tea, they sat quietly for a while.

"Severus," Hermione asked, "why did you become a Death Eater?"

Severus cleared his throat and moved forward putting his teacup down on the table in front of them. "I always dislike it when people ask me that question."

"I am sorry; it was rude."

"No, I don't mean that it was rude. You are curious; most people are. I meant that I don't always know how to answer it. I know the reasons why, I just never know how to put it into words."

"That's surprising," Hermione said, bemused. "You are very good with words."

"That is because I have learned how to used words to hurt instead of curses and brute force."

"What do you mean?"

Severus sighed heavily. "Voldemort was whatever someone needed him to be, and he would use that to his advantage. Like a barker at a carnival, he could reel you in his is smooth patter and promises of winning. He was slick and suave in those days. I was just a seventeen-year-old kid, fresh from school, fresh from losing the love of my life. I was an easy target.

"When you first came into his presence, you are thrilled that finally, someone seems to know you; knows how you feel and knows how help you get the sweet revenge you want. And at first it was sweet; very, very sweet. I showed him the curses I invented, and he was very intrigued. I showed him the dark potions I created, and he was delighted. He took me under his wing and personally saw that I was given everything I wanted; money, an apprenticeship, recognition, revenge.

"The very first person I killed was my father."

Hermione gasped at the revelation, but made no comment.

"Voldemort escorted me personally to this very house. He tortured Tobias first and then allowed me to 'play'. That very first Sectumsempra was like that feeling you get the very first time you perform a spell and it works; the adrenaline rush was addictive. After that, Avada was just a way to dispose of his body; anyone's body for that matter."

Severus stood and went to the drinks trolley that stood near the fireplace. He poured them each a Firewhisky and returned to sit on the sofa. They each took a drink, and Severus continued. "After we disposed of my father's body, the Dark Lord took me back to his home where we met the other Death Eaters and went out to celebrate.

"Celebrating consisted of rounding up a few Muggles, bringing them back to the house and torturing them while we got very drunk and very high. The men and women were tortured. They were also raped, repeatedly. Lucius was very inventive with torture, and they all suffered horrifically."

He looked at Hermione to see that she was crying. "I have never raped anyone, Hermione. I had witnessed my father do that to my mother, and I just couldn't. When Voldemort realized that I was not enjoying that part of revel, he decided to find me a willing body. He found Bellatrix, and that is how I lost my virginity. Between the thrill of killing my father and the liquor and drugs that were freely flowing, I had quite a night.

"This continued for a couple of years. Each time I cast Sectumsempra, it was like a drug. The more I cast, the more I wanted to see the blood. I could control it, too. I could keep a victim just at the point of death for hours casting the curse, healing them, and then casting it again. I cast as many Sectas as I needed for each person I felt caused me pain in my life. One for my father, one for my mother, one for James, one for Sirius, one for Remus, one for Lily, one for Albus, one for Minerva, one for Voldemort himself who, although he gave me all I wanted, also gave me the guilt I lived with when I took a life. Death, drugs, sex, drinking…all were part of my life because Lily was not, and I felt was owed something for that.

"In March of 1980, I heard the prophecy and told Voldemort, thinking I would be raised to a greater status. When I learned that he intended to target the Potters, I was sick. The Potters had defied him three times, and he wanted their blood more than any others. I asked him to spare Lily for my sake and at first, he promised he would exact revenge on my behalf only upon James. But in few months, I learned that he planned to kill them both in order to get to Harry. When I realized that he meant to kill Lily as well as James, I went to Dumbledore to beg for her life.

"I fucking begged, Hermione," his voice nearly broke, and he drew in a gulp of air, punching the sofa cushions with his fist at the memory. "I have never done that in my life. And in the end, it was no use. Lily died, James died, and Harry was an orphan. The rest of the story you know."

He threw back the rest of his whiskey and stood to get another one, turning to Hermione with the bottle in his hand, cocking it a bit to ask her if she wanted another. She shook her head in agreement.

He returned to the sofa and sat, handing Hermione her drink. She turned her body to face him more fully, tears in her eyes. His hand flinched as though he wanted to wipe her tears away, but he didn't. What happened next was his undoing.

Hermione placed her hands on his face, her thumbs caressing his warm, thin lips. "Severus," she whispered, "You are no longer the man you were at seventeen or eighteen. You have paid for your sins. You don't have to let your memories drive your life. Lily has been avenged, you have protected her son; it was what you promised to do and you did it. You don't have to continue to punish yourself by being alone, living alone, thinking you could never be wanted. I want to be your friend, Severus."

"I am not worth it."

"You are worth everything to me."

He dropped his glass and grabbed the hands that caressed his face. He closed his eyes and the tears began. Hermione moved still closer to him. "Severus, it's all right." She wiped his face with her hands, wiping the tears as they fell. She pulled him closer to caress his face with hers. She kissed his cheek, his eyes, and finally his mouth.

He clung to her, taking the forgiveness she was offering, taking the friendship, the love.

====SS====HG====

Severus was floating down a river. It was quiet and warm, the occasional bird singing overhead. Green fields passed his peripheral vision as he floated. Water lapped the boat, rocking it gently as drifted. There was a woman in the little boat with him. She was curled into his arms. He drew the warm body closer to her and sighed. It seemed a perfect moment to lean over and steal a kiss.

This was what he always dreamed of…holding the love of his life in his arms, kissing her whenever he wanted. Just as he leaned over, pushing her hair out of the way, he had a brief thought that her hair seemed to have darkened as she aged. As their lips met, he woke up.

He was naked and on his sofa. Snuggled into the curve of his chest and abdomen was a lightly snoring, naked Hermione.

He also realized in that moment, that the woman in the boat with the dark hair was her and had been her for some time. Somehow, this little witch had infiltrated his psyche years before he began to realize her worth to him. Every exasperating encounter with the bushy haired know-it-all had worked its way into the very deep recesses of his mind. As he thought about it, he had been very proud of her knowledge, her subtle wit. She was everything Lily wasn't; forgiving, loyal, loving. She was no great beauty, but she was beautiful to him in her heart and soul.

Very carefully, he rubbed his fingers along her arm, watching her skin pimple in reaction. He skimmed his hand down her body, rubbing his palm along the crest of her hip and then smoothed her thigh.

Hermione inhaled sharply then, and woke up. She turned her face to look at him, her brown eyes sleepily smiling at him. "Are you all right?"

Severus leaned down and kissed her slowly for a bit. "I am quite all right. Are you cold?"

"A little."

Reaching back, he tugged the rug off the sofa and pulled it over them, pulling Hermione closer in the process. "Better?"

She snuggled happily against him. "Much."

Together they lay quietly, his head on the arm of the sofa, his chin resting on her head. "Hermione?"

She lazily answered, "Hmm?"

"Why me? What about me was worth your time?"

She stretched and then turned to face him. She kissed him first before she answered. "When I turned sixteen, I began to realize what I found attractive in a man, much like most of the other girls my age had. I spent months watching the men my father worked with at the dental clinic, months watching the seventh year boys, watching the Weasley boys, watching you. You were what I believed was sexually attractive."

Severus snorted and Hermione smacked him softly. "Stop it! I fell in love with you then, or at least in love with what you represented as a sexual being. However, when you killed Dumbledore..." she trailed off.

"Later, after the battle and after I had boyfriend and had sex for the first time, I realized that whatever romantic fantasies I had built for myself about what love should be, was just that, fantasy. Ron was fun, but that was it. And all he wanted was sex. He never wanted to talk about things I liked, never wanted to go back to school, to keep learning. All he wanted to do was play.

"Perhaps that is when I realized that the reason I found you appealing in the first place was because you had all the things I wanted…intelligence, drive, sex appeal. I didn't think you'd care for me at all; you are, after all, twenty years older than me. And, I believe, you found me an insufferable know-it-all?" They both chuckled and quickly kissed.

"I knew that no matter what I thought about you as a love interest, it was time to grow up and be an adult. I would offer you friendship and accept whatever you gave me in return."

She rubbed his back with her hand. "I don't want this to be a one off, Severus. I can't play that kind of game. It's what Ron wanted after he and I came together. He just wanted to have sex and nothing else. If what I want is not what you need, then please be honest so that I can leave with a settled mind."

Severus looked at the tiny woman and pulled her even closer. "These last few hours have meant a great deal to me. I have never made love to anyone. Just had sex. This was a most pleasant revelation… to give and receive during the act of love making. I've experienced nothing like it before. I would like to experience it again, with you. More than that, however, I want your friendship, your kindness, your compassion.

"Stay with me tonight, please? Even if we don't make love again, I want to sleep knowing you're there and will be when I wake up. You will be, if you stay, won't you?"

"If you wish for me never to leave again, I won't."

He smiled a small smile and pushed her, indicating she should rise. Glancing at the clock, he said, "It's late, but if you're hungry, I could make something."

"I'd rather just go to bed, if you don't mind. It's been a bit of an exhausting day, in more ways than one." She blushed when she emphasised her statement with a huge yawn.

Taking her by the hand, Severus led her upstairs to his bedroom. Together they slid into bed, arranged themselves so they were comfortably entwined, kissed, and just lay quietly, listening to the silence. After a few minutes, Hermione said, "I love you."

"Thank you, Hermione, thank you," Severus whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you all for you wonderful reviews over the course of the last few days as I've posted my story. I am so glad you read along! **

**Thanks to my twin sister and to Onecelestialbeing who got to read this first and offered the most wonderful of suggestions. Hugs from me and virtual Severus hugs to you both!**

**This almost didn't get posted tonight. Our internet went down, and we were told it would be 24 hours before it came back, but TA DA!**

**JK Rowling owns the Harry Potter universe.**

* * *

Life has a habit of offering a drowning man a lifeline if he is willing to take it. Severus Snape, not a stupid man by any means, grabbed the lifeline he was thrown in the form of Hermione Granger. He loved her, and he told her so daily. He was not a stupid man.

Together they began to repair the little house. It took Hermione quite a bit of coaxing to get Severus to help and there were several arguments that were not pretty, but in the end, they apologized, learned how better to communicate with each other, and grew closer. The make-up sex was fantastic, Severus had to admit, and he would sometimes pick a fight just to make up.

In the midst of redoing the house, they started a small potions mail order business, both agreeing that her fame as a member of the Golden Trio would be the selling point, even if he were the brains behind the brewing. It was a very Slytherin thing to do, but Hermione was okay with that.

However moderately successful their mail order business was—they could pay their bills easily enough—their true passion, aside from each other, was literature. In the first six months of their relationship, they had had to magically expand the sitting room of Spinner's End twice to hold all the books they owned.

They enjoyed their life together. Many evenings were spent beside the fire, drinking wine or tea, eating light meals and chatting. They learned many things about each other.

One surprising realisation they discovered about each other was that neither one of them was very enamored of the magical world anymore. After much discussion, they decided to leave Wizarding Britain and a totally magically life behind. They knew exactly where they wanted to go; a small village in Ireland they had once visited, staying several weeks their first summer together.

The locals liked the couple, and Hermione and Severus enjoyed being welcomed into their homes and shops; well…Hermione enjoyed it, and Severus found he didn't mind it so much. The couple decided if they were going to become part of the Muggle world, this was where they wanted to do it. They sold the house for a ridiculously paltry sum, added it to their Gringotts savings and bid England goodbye.

Once settled, they discovered the owner of the little bookshop they had frequented had died. The family had decided to sell it and in no time, the aptly renamed Prince Book Shop was up and operating, both selling and lending books, since the nearest library was twenty kilometres away. Their mail order business continued from the back of the bookshop however, they scaled back on the number of customers.

They did not abandon magic altogether. They used it freely within their home and shop. They kept trips to the Wizarding world only for obtaining what they could through owl post.

Of all her friends still in England, Hermione only kept in contact with Harry, and occasionally, he visited the couple. It wasn't that they forgot about their friends, they were just happy where they were, and as anyone knows…out of sight, out of mind.

Severus found it continuously amusing to see Hermione interact with the children that wandered in and out of the bookshop. She had created a wonderful corner of the shop completely dedicated to the little brats, and if it was raining outside, he could count on tripping over several as he manoeuvred around the shop stocking shelves or pulling orders for customers.

Tripping over a third child one day, he wondered if Hermione wanted children. He assumed Hermione was taking a Muggle contraceptive since neither of them cast a contraceptive charm, nor did she ask him to brew a potion.

Later that evening, he asked Hermione about the idea of having children; did she want them? Hermione, stunned for a moment because she too hadn't thought about contraception, explained that because of the battle at the ministry during fifth year, she sustained extensive damage to her uterus and was unable to bear children.

She asked Severus if this was a problem, to which he answered it was not. He didn't think he was father material, anyway. Besides, Hermione had said, there were enough children in the neighbourhood who frequented the shop to keep her motherly feelings sated.

Every once in a while, some of their new friends asked why they hadn't married yet. Marriage was a subject they never talked about. Life was good for the couple just as it was, and they needed no paper to show their level of commitment.

Ironically enough, however, it was Ron's sudden death at the age of thirty-two during an Auror raid that led to their getting married at all. Ron had been in a long-term relationship with Lavender, but never married her. They had two children together but according to wizarding law, as an unmarried couple, she was entitled to nothing; not the house, not the money, nothing. It all went to his parents, who of course, ensured Lavender and the children received everything they needed.

Severus was startled to know that all of what he and Hermione had worked hard to accomplish _together _could be taken away from her. He was determined to make sure she would be well cared for in the event of his death. The proposal was sweet, and to the point. The marriage took place less than three weeks later, and the honeymoon…well, the shop was closed for nearly two months as the couple traveled wherever their desire took them.

====SS====HG====

Decades later, when the couple died within months of each other, it was no more than a blip at the bottom of the obituary page of _The Daily Prophet_. Their only legacy in the Wizarding world was the deeds and bravery as recorded in _Hogwarts: A History_ and other books. As individuals, they were forgotten; their lives and the people they influenced long dead before they were.

However, in their long time home in Ireland, their deaths were genuinely mourned. Severus and Hermione Snape loved each deeply, it was said. No one ever saw the one that the other wasn't far behind. In this Muggle town, their deaths were not blips at the bottom of the obituary page. In this Muggle town, they were not forgotten. Their deeds and their generosity were remembered far and wide.

And for a man who wanted to end his life, and the woman who saved his sorry ass, that far exceeded any event that could be recorded in any dusty Wizarding book anyway.

* * *

**The inspiration for this story was the song 'Sorrow', off the Momentary Lapse of Reason album by Pink Floyd. Google the lyrics and you'll see why I thought they so fit Severus Snape and his life after the war. But, sloppy, romantic sap that I am, I couldn't let him end his life. I had to give him a chance at happiness. **

**Thank you again for reading!**

Worrywart


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